The REAL Festive Survival Guide: How to Make it Out Alive (and Slightly Chubbier)

targettruck001001
Dec 11, 2025
2 min read

Ah, the holiday season. That magical time of year when your jeans mysteriously shrink, your relatives mysteriously appear, and your fridge mysteriously empties... again. Whether you're dodging awkward dinner conversations, surviving mall stampedes, or trying not to eat your body weight in fruitcake, we’ve got you covered.

1. Set Low Expectations – Even Lower Than Your Budget

Don’t aim for a “Hallmark” holiday. Aim for “held together by tape and caffeine.” Your gift-wrapping might look like it was done by a raccoon, and your gingerbread house may collapse faster than your willpower in front of a trifle — and that’s OK.

2. Shop Smart. Or Just Shop Like You’ve Given Up

Start holiday shopping early. By which we mean: 23 December at 7:45pm in a petrol station. There's nothing like the magic of gifting your mom a USB cable and a pack of chewing gum.

3. Calories Don’t Count in December

Scientific fact.* Eat the mince pies. Drink the peppermint hot chocolate. Finish the leftovers. Then make more “leftovers.” This is your Olympic season — go for gold (and gravy).

*Not a scientific fact. Please don’t show this to your doctor.

4. Master the “Fake Reaction” Face

“Oh wow, socks! AGAIN!”Smile like you just won the lottery, even if Aunt Carol’s gift screams ‘last-minute re-gift’. Bonus points for saying, “I’ve always wanted one of these!” without blinking.

5. Family Gatherings: Tactical Survival

Avoid politics. Talk about the weather. Or cheese. Everyone likes cheese.
Have an escape plan. Bathroom breaks = adult hideouts.
Bring a buffer. A baby, a new partner, or even a pet hamster. Anything that distracts from your “When are you getting married?” status.

6. Set a Holiday Budget. Then Ignore It Completely

Let’s be honest, December math doesn’t follow the same rules. Just accept that you’ll spend too much, eat too much, and promise to fix it all in January — the traditional month of regret.

7. Santa’s Not the Only One Making a List

Make your own “Nice List” — for people who bring wine, help with dishes, and don’t post bad photos of you on Facebook. Put the others on a “Coal List.” You know who you are, Uncle Dave.

Final Tip: Embrace the Chaos

The tinsel will tangle. The turkey might burn. You might accidentally wrap the cat. But it’s all part of the festive madness. Laugh more, stress less, and remember — if all else fails, just blame the eggnog.

Happy Holidays & May Your Batteries Be Included!